Yesterday link to this song was posted in a group I am in. I cried through the entire video. This is how I feel.....
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Grief and What It Means to Me
Grief means something different to everyone. Lately my grief has been that of a lost dream. My tears tell a story and sometimes I want to hide that story. Sometimes the tears come from out of nowhere and then everyone wants to know the story behind them.
I was talking today with my soon to be sister-in-law and Cody about our beliefs on abortion. That turned into a small conversation about my beautiful eggs. I believe that the moment a sperm and an egg combine it is a child. A wonderful, amazing child. Every cycle of fertility treatments we did, we had a mid cycle ultrasound to see if my ovaries had produced any eggs. Each time I had at least one egg and at the most five. I remember the very first month when we saw three beautiful eggs, all very large and perfect. When you see your eggs and know that they might become your child you start to hope and dream.
I know some people think I'm crazy but when my monthly shows up or I get the negative pregnancy test I mourn the loss of a child or children. There is no way of knowing if that perfect beautiful egg was fertilized and became a child but for whatever reason didn't survive. There is no way to know and I thought of that potential child daily.
At first my grief wasn't to bad. We knew it was going to take awhile to get pregnant. But we never thought it would take this long. As each month passed and I kept hoping and praying for a child I started to grieve more and more. Why was this happening to us. I did everything I possibly could to make sure I wouldn't harm my child if I was pregnant. How are you supposed to feel when each month your dream is crushed once more. I might never have been pregnant yet but there was always the possibility. A possibility that I hoped and prayed for. I believe in miracles and I'm still waiting for mine.
The past 3 months have been really rough for me. I was so sure that I would "start over" when it came to the emotions of doing fertility treatments month after month. Its not like that. Your emotions pick up right where they left off. The hope, the sadness, the depression, the anger, the hopelessness, and the grief. They don't go away. Now I'm grieving the time we are losing while we have to put our next step, IVF, on hold. When every fiber in your being wants and dreams of being a mother you grieve everyday that goes by and it is happening. I feel like I fail everyday I'm not actively pursuing my dream. Coming to terms with waiting and putting my dream on hold is hard, but I'll make it through.
I have an amazing husband who I love more than anything. This is my time to focus on him and be the best wife I can possibly be. We will strengthen our marriage even more throughout this time of waiting. We will grow closer to God and to each other and get one step closer to becoming the parents God knows we can and will be.
I used to be ashamed of my tears but not anymore. They tell a story of love. Love so intense for a child that has not yet been created. Love for a child that I long for, pray for, and think about everyday. Whether that child is mine by birth or by adoption.....My love is for that child. Whichever child God blesses Jon and I with. My heart will only grow with more love for that child. I also know that the love I feel is a only a fraction of what God feels for me and that is how I am comforted.
Here is a beautiful quote that I found and love:
I know many women who struggle with infertility and I grieve with them and for them. This is not a road I would wish and anyone and I hate that they are on it. But...all of us are thankful to know that we are not alone and there is someone who understands us perfectly...
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." - Washington Irvin
Friday, November 15, 2013
We did it...
We opened a fundraising account on a website called gofundme.
This is a link to our page. If you feel it in your heart to help us please do. Please share this with anyone you would like as well. We are hoping that in 1 and 1/2 years to 2 years we will reach our goal.
http://www.gofundme.com/5awd40
I know it seems crazy but I have seen success with these types of fundraising accounts. Maybe ours will be a success story one day too!
This is a link to our page. If you feel it in your heart to help us please do. Please share this with anyone you would like as well. We are hoping that in 1 and 1/2 years to 2 years we will reach our goal.
http://www.gofundme.com/5awd40
I know it seems crazy but I have seen success with these types of fundraising accounts. Maybe ours will be a success story one day too!
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Dreaming
You know when you have a dream and it seems so real....that's what happened to me just this morning. It was the best dream in my entire life and I'll tell you why. Even though I have had multiple "real" dreams throughout the years this is the very FIRST time I have ever had a baby in my dream. I have had a lot of pregnant dreams and birthing dreams but never one where I saw and held my baby. It always stopped before that point. Not this morning.....
It started out at my Nanny's (Grandma) house. My parents live with them as well as my little sister. Jon (my Husband) was at work and I was visiting for the day. It was a normal visit until I started having horrible stomach cramps. I refused to go to the doctor and decided I would go lay down in my sisters room and she was gonna keep me company. And for what ever reason there was an extra bed in her room. That's the one I laid on. Very soon after I told her to get my mom...something was wrong. My mom comes in just as a gush of water comes out! Ummmmm....WHAT THE HECK! It turns out Im giving birth and I didn't even know I was pregnant. We had had a few ultrasounds (doing fertility treatments) and the doctors never saw anything. After a few months we stopped the treatments to take a break. I didn't look pregnant and had none of the symptoms.
So my mom helps me as I labor and I give birth to to beautiful little boy. 8 pounds 15 ounces, 20 inches long. (I have no idea why my sister had a baby scale in her room). I name him Myles (I HAVE NO CLUE WHY!!!! This is my nephews name...we have a name picked out that's completely different). This little boy just amazes me. Since we aren't prepared mom and I give him a bath and then I feed him. He breastfeeds without a problem and I can't stop crying tears of joy. I know we need to get to the hospital and get checked out but we don't have any way of getting there. We don't have a car seat! So my mom calls my uncle who lives down the road and he goes to Walmart and buys one for us. He also got a thing of diapers, wipes, and some clothes for my little miracle. Once he gets to the house and we get into the car....I wake up.
I just laid in bed for a few minutes trying not to cry. The first time I have ever seen and held my baby in my dreams....it tore me up. I know we are on a break for the next year and a half and I'm okay with that now. But when I have a dream like this is makes me want to change our plans. I want more than anything to be a mother. Is it ever going to happen? I don't even care if it happens like in my dream! As long as I get to have a child.
It started out at my Nanny's (Grandma) house. My parents live with them as well as my little sister. Jon (my Husband) was at work and I was visiting for the day. It was a normal visit until I started having horrible stomach cramps. I refused to go to the doctor and decided I would go lay down in my sisters room and she was gonna keep me company. And for what ever reason there was an extra bed in her room. That's the one I laid on. Very soon after I told her to get my mom...something was wrong. My mom comes in just as a gush of water comes out! Ummmmm....WHAT THE HECK! It turns out Im giving birth and I didn't even know I was pregnant. We had had a few ultrasounds (doing fertility treatments) and the doctors never saw anything. After a few months we stopped the treatments to take a break. I didn't look pregnant and had none of the symptoms.
So my mom helps me as I labor and I give birth to to beautiful little boy. 8 pounds 15 ounces, 20 inches long. (I have no idea why my sister had a baby scale in her room). I name him Myles (I HAVE NO CLUE WHY!!!! This is my nephews name...we have a name picked out that's completely different). This little boy just amazes me. Since we aren't prepared mom and I give him a bath and then I feed him. He breastfeeds without a problem and I can't stop crying tears of joy. I know we need to get to the hospital and get checked out but we don't have any way of getting there. We don't have a car seat! So my mom calls my uncle who lives down the road and he goes to Walmart and buys one for us. He also got a thing of diapers, wipes, and some clothes for my little miracle. Once he gets to the house and we get into the car....I wake up.
I just laid in bed for a few minutes trying not to cry. The first time I have ever seen and held my baby in my dreams....it tore me up. I know we are on a break for the next year and a half and I'm okay with that now. But when I have a dream like this is makes me want to change our plans. I want more than anything to be a mother. Is it ever going to happen? I don't even care if it happens like in my dream! As long as I get to have a child.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
A tattoo and a big decision....
Jon and I had a big decision to make the other day. It was very hard for me to agree with my husband but we decided to do the smarter thing and buy a house before we move ahead with IVF. So when we get our taxes back we will be using that for our closing costs towards a house. we have been wanting to buy one but we wanted to have a child as well. We talked about it and prayed about it. We finally made a decision and I feel at peace about it even though my heart is breaking. It should stop breaking eventually...I hope! So now I'm looking at houses. We will do IVF the following year or the year after that. And by then I will be done with school and will be able to focus on IVF.
Over the next year or two I am going to focus on my marriage and enjoy being married to the greatest man I know! We are planning a few adventures to do just the two of us! Today I'm feeling much better and feel at peace about our decisions. If we do get a miracle and get pregnant and have a baby I will be ecstatic but I'm not holding my breath and I'm not going to think about it. If you continue to pray for Jon and I please pray for peace and understanding about our situation. Thank you all!
Catch Up
Well....Its been awhile since my last post. I didn't mean to take this long for my next post but time just slipped by. So I will catch everyone up on what has happened since February.
I started working at Baxters again and was full time. I was there for awhile and almost was hired on permanent but I was hating working there. So My husband and I talked and I quit once I found a new job. I started working at Lowes in the building supply area and worked there for a couple of weeks as a temporary seasonal associate. I was hired on permanently and switched to the unloader position. I loved it!! The three other people I worked with were great and we had a good time. The job was very physically demanding and it felt good to work that hard.
During this time I had to go back onto birthcontrol to regulate my hormones and my cycle. I wasn't going to mess up my body like I did last time. Since we were no where close to having the money needed for IVF we decided we would wait until taxes came back to move forward with that. I also decided to go back to school. While getting things ready for school my aunt told me about a surgery once of her friends had. Ovarian Drilling. I looked it up and decided to ask my doctor about it. He said we could try it and it would help. We decided to do it!!
So at the end of July and three weeks before school started I had the surgery. My doctor drilled about 20 holes into each of my ovaries. and He also did another HSG...a test to see if my Fallopian tubes were clear or blocked. They were still very clear. No problems there. My husband and mom were with me and they rock! My husband took four days off of work and then had the weekend as well to stay with me while I recovered. It was pretty painful for the first week but then I felt better pretty quick. We were given the okay to start fertility treatments again with the next period. :-)
Since I had the surgery and my ovaries are supposed to respond better to the medication and in general work better. We decided to try clomid again for another 6 cycles to see if we got pregnant this time. We were able to do a smaller dose this time too! 150 mg for 5 days instead of 7! I responded well and had multiple eggs each time. But we only did 3 cycles....I couldn't handle anymore and each time a cycle ended someone announced their pregnancy on the day of my big fat negative or the day after when my period would start a day late. Each time....3 times in a row....another person was pregnant and I wasn't. I lost it. I couldn't handle it. I had thought after our previous break I would start over with the stress, the depression, and the horrible feelings of not getting pregnant...NO! I picked up right where I left off. I just couldn't handle it anymore.
We talked to my doctor and since we had already tried Femara the next step was IVF or injectables. Well we were thinking injectables would be cheaper and might work so we asked about doing that. HAHAHAHA....unless we had about 2,000 dollars for each cycle that was not going to happen either. Upon hearing that news I lost it again. (I've been losing it more and more lately) I cried for hours, my eyelids were swollen, and I had a horrible migraine the next day. I even cried the next day too. I don't want to put my one and only dream on hold!
All this and yes...I went back to school and I am still in school! Needless to stay there have been days when I haven't gone because I keep losing it but my teachers are very understanding and I have made a great group of friends who are very supportive. I'm in a 2 year program for Hospitality Management and when I am finished I would like to do Event planning. I love planning weddings, showers, birthday parties, and parties in general! Even fundraisers and events of that nature are fun to plan. I love school so far and I am enjoying being back in it. I had to stop doing the "What If" planning and just plan for the here and now.
Now that we are all caught up I will talk about our decision on what to do when taxes come back in my next post. Buy a house or do IVF????
I started working at Baxters again and was full time. I was there for awhile and almost was hired on permanent but I was hating working there. So My husband and I talked and I quit once I found a new job. I started working at Lowes in the building supply area and worked there for a couple of weeks as a temporary seasonal associate. I was hired on permanently and switched to the unloader position. I loved it!! The three other people I worked with were great and we had a good time. The job was very physically demanding and it felt good to work that hard.
During this time I had to go back onto birthcontrol to regulate my hormones and my cycle. I wasn't going to mess up my body like I did last time. Since we were no where close to having the money needed for IVF we decided we would wait until taxes came back to move forward with that. I also decided to go back to school. While getting things ready for school my aunt told me about a surgery once of her friends had. Ovarian Drilling. I looked it up and decided to ask my doctor about it. He said we could try it and it would help. We decided to do it!!
So at the end of July and three weeks before school started I had the surgery. My doctor drilled about 20 holes into each of my ovaries. and He also did another HSG...a test to see if my Fallopian tubes were clear or blocked. They were still very clear. No problems there. My husband and mom were with me and they rock! My husband took four days off of work and then had the weekend as well to stay with me while I recovered. It was pretty painful for the first week but then I felt better pretty quick. We were given the okay to start fertility treatments again with the next period. :-)
Since I had the surgery and my ovaries are supposed to respond better to the medication and in general work better. We decided to try clomid again for another 6 cycles to see if we got pregnant this time. We were able to do a smaller dose this time too! 150 mg for 5 days instead of 7! I responded well and had multiple eggs each time. But we only did 3 cycles....I couldn't handle anymore and each time a cycle ended someone announced their pregnancy on the day of my big fat negative or the day after when my period would start a day late. Each time....3 times in a row....another person was pregnant and I wasn't. I lost it. I couldn't handle it. I had thought after our previous break I would start over with the stress, the depression, and the horrible feelings of not getting pregnant...NO! I picked up right where I left off. I just couldn't handle it anymore.
We talked to my doctor and since we had already tried Femara the next step was IVF or injectables. Well we were thinking injectables would be cheaper and might work so we asked about doing that. HAHAHAHA....unless we had about 2,000 dollars for each cycle that was not going to happen either. Upon hearing that news I lost it again. (I've been losing it more and more lately) I cried for hours, my eyelids were swollen, and I had a horrible migraine the next day. I even cried the next day too. I don't want to put my one and only dream on hold!
All this and yes...I went back to school and I am still in school! Needless to stay there have been days when I haven't gone because I keep losing it but my teachers are very understanding and I have made a great group of friends who are very supportive. I'm in a 2 year program for Hospitality Management and when I am finished I would like to do Event planning. I love planning weddings, showers, birthday parties, and parties in general! Even fundraisers and events of that nature are fun to plan. I love school so far and I am enjoying being back in it. I had to stop doing the "What If" planning and just plan for the here and now.
Now that we are all caught up I will talk about our decision on what to do when taxes come back in my next post. Buy a house or do IVF????
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Work...
Well, I have gone back to work full time. I didn't want to but its where God wanted me to go. Luckily Jon and I both work at the same place and we are on the same shift. Right now there is a bunch of mandatory overtime (I'm hating it but the pay check is good) and I feel like I don't have time for anything. I'm still trying to get used to working hard for 8 hours straight too. I forgot what its like to be this tired all the time. I'm sort of thankful for the overtime because that means we will be able to save the money we need for the IVF procedure quicker then expected! :-) It's still going to be a long 30 weeks but I hope it goes by fast.
The past couple of weeks have been good. Since we are doing any fertility treatments right now I get to enjoy just living for awhile. And so far my hormones are being "normal" and not acting up. I was bummed that my period didn't show up like I was hoping it would...because that would mean my body was doing what it was made for. But alas....no period and no pregnancy. I'm not saddened by the fact because I know God has a plan and so far no one else has announced a pregnancy. I know by the end of our break a few of my friends probably will and on those days I will be sad and heartbroken. But that to will pass and I will keep holding onto God's promises for my life.
Take care and God Bless!
The past couple of weeks have been good. Since we are doing any fertility treatments right now I get to enjoy just living for awhile. And so far my hormones are being "normal" and not acting up. I was bummed that my period didn't show up like I was hoping it would...because that would mean my body was doing what it was made for. But alas....no period and no pregnancy. I'm not saddened by the fact because I know God has a plan and so far no one else has announced a pregnancy. I know by the end of our break a few of my friends probably will and on those days I will be sad and heartbroken. But that to will pass and I will keep holding onto God's promises for my life.
Take care and God Bless!
Monday, February 4, 2013
Music
Today has been a really rough day and its only 3pm. I woke up feeling good and then it all went downhill from there. I was trying to get our taxes done and we needed an extra paper from the college where Jon was taking classes last spring. I tried calling Jon and of course his phone was on silent and I couldn't get ahold of him. That made me upset and then everything just came pouring through the floodgates I had put up. I had allowed myself to cry a little bit about having to take a break and the financial needs but I guess it wasn't enough. Thankfully Jon forgives me and always makes me feel loved and valued after my meltdowns. Now that he has gone to work I've cried some more and now I'm listening to music.
Music has been one of my ways to de-stress, cry it all out, and keep on keeping on. Here are my favorite songs that really made a difference for me over the last few months and still continue to do so.
My favorite song and my current #1 is Need You Now. The lyrics are exactly what I feel. I can sing along with the song and it allows me to let it out and to cry out to God because I do need Him now. I do need the strength to just keep breathing because sometimes even that is to much to try and do on my own.
Need You Now - Plumb
All I Need - Within Temptation
All This Time - Britt Nicole
Always - Plumb
Be Still - The Fray
Down - Jason Walker & Molly Reed
Echo - Jason Walker
Hanging On - Britt Nicole
Held - Natalie Grant
How Great Is Our God - Chris Tomlin
I Will Lift My Eyes - Bebo Norman
I Will Rise - Chris Tomlin
Jesus Hold Me Now - Casting Crowns
Jesus Messiah - Chris Tomlin
One Thing Remains - Kristian Stanfill
Only One - Alex Band
Quiet You With My Love - Rebecca St James
Rest In The Hope - Karyn Williams
Shackles - Mandisa
Stronger - Mandisa
When A Heart Breaks - Ben Rector
Worn - Tenth Avenue North
You Never Let Go - Matt Redman
This is the playist I use when Im upset. Some of the songs make me cry even harder then I already am but others lift my heart to God. I need them both. Most of these I have found on my own but a few were shared with me by some very special people in my life and it amazes me that they thought of me when they heard the song.
I'm feeling much better now that I've listened to all the songs while I linked them here on my blog. I hope you all enjoy them as well.
God is good :-)
Music has been one of my ways to de-stress, cry it all out, and keep on keeping on. Here are my favorite songs that really made a difference for me over the last few months and still continue to do so.
My favorite song and my current #1 is Need You Now. The lyrics are exactly what I feel. I can sing along with the song and it allows me to let it out and to cry out to God because I do need Him now. I do need the strength to just keep breathing because sometimes even that is to much to try and do on my own.
Need You Now - Plumb
All I Need - Within Temptation
All This Time - Britt Nicole
Always - Plumb
Be Still - The Fray
Down - Jason Walker & Molly Reed
Echo - Jason Walker
Hanging On - Britt Nicole
Held - Natalie Grant
How Great Is Our God - Chris Tomlin
I Will Lift My Eyes - Bebo Norman
I Will Rise - Chris Tomlin
Jesus Hold Me Now - Casting Crowns
Jesus Messiah - Chris Tomlin
One Thing Remains - Kristian Stanfill
Only One - Alex Band
Quiet You With My Love - Rebecca St James
Rest In The Hope - Karyn Williams
Shackles - Mandisa
Stronger - Mandisa
When A Heart Breaks - Ben Rector
Worn - Tenth Avenue North
You Never Let Go - Matt Redman
This is the playist I use when Im upset. Some of the songs make me cry even harder then I already am but others lift my heart to God. I need them both. Most of these I have found on my own but a few were shared with me by some very special people in my life and it amazes me that they thought of me when they heard the song.
I'm feeling much better now that I've listened to all the songs while I linked them here on my blog. I hope you all enjoy them as well.
God is good :-)
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Drowning In My Own Tears
Yesterday I was drowning in my own tears. We had a doctors appointment to talk about starting the In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) process. I was disappointed with the news about how much it was going to cost. We need $17,882 dollars for the procedure. $7662 dollars is needed up front and the rest is eligible for financing. I don't know of anyone who has 7 grand laying around. I cried and cried yesterday. What were we going to do?? Obviously we aren't doing any treatments right now and we are going to have to wait months....maybe a year to start the IVF process. I don't want to put my dream of becoming a mother on hold!! I was so mad at God yesterday I couldn't even pray. I asked some close friends to pray for me because I couldn't pray at the time. depending on how much of the scholarship money we get for the IVF meds our up front cost can go down. I'm praying we are awarded with a good size scholarship. We have to wait until after we do our taxes before we can apply but once they are done I will be applying. Once that is done we will know a more definite amount. I though about doing a fundraiser or two but will people really want to help ME become pregnant?!? I'm just a 21 years old who has her whole life ahead of her (what I get told a lot), you have plenty of time to have kids....blah blah blah. They don't know me. Why would they want to help. All this aside...
I had to come to a painful realization yesterday. It makes me cry now and causes my heart so much pain to think about. It hurt so much to actually say the words out loud to my Husband too. If I had to choose between having children and my husband...I would choose my Husband. I could not live without Him. The only things I have ever wanted in this life were a loving husband and lots of children...choosing between my 2 biggest dreams....its so painful. I told him if we ever had to make that decision I was going to be upset, sad, hurt, angry, and all the other emotions that go along with those. But I would NEVER regret it. I have him and I'm not going to lose him to infertility. I am a very lucky woman to have a man like him love me. I know he wants children as much as I do or we wouldn't be going through infertility treatments. He is always so supportive of me during these tiring times. He works so hard so I can one day (hopefully) stay home and raise our children. He has given up so much for me and that just makes me love him more. His love for me is never ending...and trust me I've said some not so nice things to him out of anger and pain. He always forgives me and holds me close afterwards. Not many men could or would do that. I think I apologize to him at least 15 times a day for not being able to get pregnant yet. And he always tells its not my fault. Well...I feel like it is.
Over the last six months we have completed 6 clomid cycles. I haven't had Motrin, tuna, and my hair highlighted in 6 months!! 6 months! I have done everything I could not to harm my potential child. Some days I thought I was going crazy because of all the stuff I didn't want to do because I wanted to become pregnant so bad. Then every month my period would show up AFTER I took the pregnancy test the morning I was allowed to test if my period hadn't showed up yet. You would think I would wait a bit longer in the morning to do the test but no....I tortured myself thinking maybe this was our month. I have learned not to let my hopes get away from me and get to high. Its better if you don't. But you can't keep them all the way down either. Your hopes are always trying to pop up and you're always trying to push them down. It is a never ending battle that I have always lost.
Every time I see that negative test my heart is shattered. I start thinking about the last two weeks and rack my brain to see what I might have done to cause it. Did I lift something to heavy, did I eat something wrong, did I do to much physical activity, did I not get enough sleep....the list goes on. Everything I did I second guess. When I can't find an answer with those questions I start thinking about every little thing my body did or didn't do. After that I just blame myself. I must have done something wrong. Its my body so its my fault right? WRONG!!! I know I feel like its my fault but its not. I have to tell myself this all the time and there are still many, many times I don't believe it. I don't think I will ever end up not blaming myself but I will try.
Today I am feeling much better. I'm still mad but now I'm praying about it! I hate to say it and it makes me cringe but I think I'm going to enjoy this "little" break. I'm not going to be sick for two weeks every month. I'm not going to have those hot flashes from hell either! I'm going to be able to enjoy life again and have fun. I know it will help my marriage too. we can just love each other and be content with that for a while. I do know there will be days when I get upset but its to be expected. I know I will cry when I find out other woman are pregnant and I'll cry when I get home from all the baby showers. But I will NOT give up on my dream yet. I am not giving up even though it has to be put on hold. I feel like I am...but I'M NOT! I started a new devotional/bible study today. It's called following God with all of your heart. The first lesson was just what I needed and I know God had that planned out. His plan is perfect. His timing is perfect. I'm just working towards His timing. Please continue to pray for me if you will. I greatly appreciate all the prayers.
P.S - If some of you will, email me questions about infertility, pcos, my feelings, or anything like that because I really want to do a question and answer post here on my blog. I have a few questions but I want to "hear"(read) your input too because I'm sure you will ask some questions I have not thought of. :-)
I had to come to a painful realization yesterday. It makes me cry now and causes my heart so much pain to think about. It hurt so much to actually say the words out loud to my Husband too. If I had to choose between having children and my husband...I would choose my Husband. I could not live without Him. The only things I have ever wanted in this life were a loving husband and lots of children...choosing between my 2 biggest dreams....its so painful. I told him if we ever had to make that decision I was going to be upset, sad, hurt, angry, and all the other emotions that go along with those. But I would NEVER regret it. I have him and I'm not going to lose him to infertility. I am a very lucky woman to have a man like him love me. I know he wants children as much as I do or we wouldn't be going through infertility treatments. He is always so supportive of me during these tiring times. He works so hard so I can one day (hopefully) stay home and raise our children. He has given up so much for me and that just makes me love him more. His love for me is never ending...and trust me I've said some not so nice things to him out of anger and pain. He always forgives me and holds me close afterwards. Not many men could or would do that. I think I apologize to him at least 15 times a day for not being able to get pregnant yet. And he always tells its not my fault. Well...I feel like it is.
Over the last six months we have completed 6 clomid cycles. I haven't had Motrin, tuna, and my hair highlighted in 6 months!! 6 months! I have done everything I could not to harm my potential child. Some days I thought I was going crazy because of all the stuff I didn't want to do because I wanted to become pregnant so bad. Then every month my period would show up AFTER I took the pregnancy test the morning I was allowed to test if my period hadn't showed up yet. You would think I would wait a bit longer in the morning to do the test but no....I tortured myself thinking maybe this was our month. I have learned not to let my hopes get away from me and get to high. Its better if you don't. But you can't keep them all the way down either. Your hopes are always trying to pop up and you're always trying to push them down. It is a never ending battle that I have always lost.
Every time I see that negative test my heart is shattered. I start thinking about the last two weeks and rack my brain to see what I might have done to cause it. Did I lift something to heavy, did I eat something wrong, did I do to much physical activity, did I not get enough sleep....the list goes on. Everything I did I second guess. When I can't find an answer with those questions I start thinking about every little thing my body did or didn't do. After that I just blame myself. I must have done something wrong. Its my body so its my fault right? WRONG!!! I know I feel like its my fault but its not. I have to tell myself this all the time and there are still many, many times I don't believe it. I don't think I will ever end up not blaming myself but I will try.
Today I am feeling much better. I'm still mad but now I'm praying about it! I hate to say it and it makes me cringe but I think I'm going to enjoy this "little" break. I'm not going to be sick for two weeks every month. I'm not going to have those hot flashes from hell either! I'm going to be able to enjoy life again and have fun. I know it will help my marriage too. we can just love each other and be content with that for a while. I do know there will be days when I get upset but its to be expected. I know I will cry when I find out other woman are pregnant and I'll cry when I get home from all the baby showers. But I will NOT give up on my dream yet. I am not giving up even though it has to be put on hold. I feel like I am...but I'M NOT! I started a new devotional/bible study today. It's called following God with all of your heart. The first lesson was just what I needed and I know God had that planned out. His plan is perfect. His timing is perfect. I'm just working towards His timing. Please continue to pray for me if you will. I greatly appreciate all the prayers.
P.S - If some of you will, email me questions about infertility, pcos, my feelings, or anything like that because I really want to do a question and answer post here on my blog. I have a few questions but I want to "hear"(read) your input too because I'm sure you will ask some questions I have not thought of. :-)
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Pictures of Sayings
Most woman with PCOS have a "string of pearls on the outer edge of their ovaries.
Great!
I've been told this. I wish I had this comeback at the time.
Nope...Never....Of course.
PLEASE!!!!
Its true.
Sometimes its true....
Pain
No matter how hard you try. No matter how hard you believe. No matter how hard you pray. No matter how hard you try to stay positive. All it takes is that one moment to destroy everything you just went through.
That one moment rips your heart apart into a million pieces and you're stuck having to put it back together, piece by piece. Every time it happens I lose another piece of my heart and I don't know if I will ever get those pieces back.
Where do you start when all you want to do is give up? I get so mad at God each time I'm not pregnant. I want to yell at Him and sometimes I do. I cry where no one can see me. In the car when I'm by myself, in the shower, when I get home from work and no one else is home, and everywhere else I can just let it out so no one sees me losing it. I feel like I have to show everyone around me that I'm strong. If they see me crying they just try to give advice that I've already heard a million times and I really don't care to hear it again.
The other day one of my friends told me about one of her friends who was pregnant. Of course this woman wasn't trying to get pregnant and BAM! She is. I was upset and said some not so nice things and my friend got upset with me because of it. You think my friend would understand why I don't want to hear about it. Afterwards I apologized for my hurtful words and told my friend why it happened. Now she understands what its like for me a little better then she did.
We have been trying to conceive for almost 3 years now. Of course I'm jealous of other women. It makes me angry when I see all these teenagers walking around pregnant. Why do they get to have a baby and I can't?!? I get angry when I see moms with their kids and their kids look like crap, are taken care of, and completely filthy. I could take so much better care of the kids then they could. And why does God allow some of the worst women to become mothers over and over again??? Why are they fertile and not me?
I cry for days when I find out someone else is pregnant and its not me. After awhile I can be happy for them but you have to give me time. Sometimes I don't ever get to the point of being happy for them so I avoid them as best as I can.
I'm still afraid I will never have my own children but I try my best to believe I will. I take one baby step at a time too. Being honest with God is what helps.
Being honest with God hurts but I tell Him what I feel. Sometimes I cry out to Him. Sometimes I yell at Him and sometimes I just shake my fists at Him. Once I calm down I always turn the radio on and most times a song comes on the radio and I know without a doubt it was played just for me and I'm a little less mad at God. I know He has a plan, that it's perfect, and I will one day understand it but in the here and now....I'm lost, heartbroken, and afraid. I have an amazing support system consisting on family and friends. Without them I don't know where I'd be or how I'd be doing. My husband is so loving and always comforting me. He wants children just as bad as I do. He works hard so that I can concentrate on fertility treatments and such. I would be lost without him. My mom is amazing too! If you are going through infertility you need a good support system.
I hope this helps any of you who want to try and understand better. If you have any questions please ask!
That one moment rips your heart apart into a million pieces and you're stuck having to put it back together, piece by piece. Every time it happens I lose another piece of my heart and I don't know if I will ever get those pieces back.
Where do you start when all you want to do is give up? I get so mad at God each time I'm not pregnant. I want to yell at Him and sometimes I do. I cry where no one can see me. In the car when I'm by myself, in the shower, when I get home from work and no one else is home, and everywhere else I can just let it out so no one sees me losing it. I feel like I have to show everyone around me that I'm strong. If they see me crying they just try to give advice that I've already heard a million times and I really don't care to hear it again.
The other day one of my friends told me about one of her friends who was pregnant. Of course this woman wasn't trying to get pregnant and BAM! She is. I was upset and said some not so nice things and my friend got upset with me because of it. You think my friend would understand why I don't want to hear about it. Afterwards I apologized for my hurtful words and told my friend why it happened. Now she understands what its like for me a little better then she did.
We have been trying to conceive for almost 3 years now. Of course I'm jealous of other women. It makes me angry when I see all these teenagers walking around pregnant. Why do they get to have a baby and I can't?!? I get angry when I see moms with their kids and their kids look like crap, are taken care of, and completely filthy. I could take so much better care of the kids then they could. And why does God allow some of the worst women to become mothers over and over again??? Why are they fertile and not me?
I cry for days when I find out someone else is pregnant and its not me. After awhile I can be happy for them but you have to give me time. Sometimes I don't ever get to the point of being happy for them so I avoid them as best as I can.
I'm still afraid I will never have my own children but I try my best to believe I will. I take one baby step at a time too. Being honest with God is what helps.
Being honest with God hurts but I tell Him what I feel. Sometimes I cry out to Him. Sometimes I yell at Him and sometimes I just shake my fists at Him. Once I calm down I always turn the radio on and most times a song comes on the radio and I know without a doubt it was played just for me and I'm a little less mad at God. I know He has a plan, that it's perfect, and I will one day understand it but in the here and now....I'm lost, heartbroken, and afraid. I have an amazing support system consisting on family and friends. Without them I don't know where I'd be or how I'd be doing. My husband is so loving and always comforting me. He wants children just as bad as I do. He works hard so that I can concentrate on fertility treatments and such. I would be lost without him. My mom is amazing too! If you are going through infertility you need a good support system.
I hope this helps any of you who want to try and understand better. If you have any questions please ask!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
How It All Came About
I was a "normal" 14 year old girl. I enjoyed school and I loved to read. (Still do!) At some point I started having migraines all the time. They would come and go but never really go away. My mom took me to the pediatrician and he suggested a neurologist. We had a few appointments with the neurologist but they didn't help. At some point someone mentioned to mom about taking me to the OBGYN.
It turns out that I had PCOS. My hormone levels were tested and they matched the usual hormone levels of PCOS. Since I had not had a period yet the doctor wanted to put me on birth control so that I would have periods and it would hopefully help my migraines. After a few months on birth control I only had migraines on my period weeks. I ended up trying about 5 different birth controls to find one that stopped my migraines all together. What worked was having a pill that had a small amount of hormone in it rather then an empty blank pill. The best birth control for me was the Seasonique.
Back then it never really bothered me that I had PCOS. I don't even remember being told it would effect my chances of having children either...and back then I don't think it would have bothered me. What 14 year old girl is worried about whether she can have children or not? I was supposed to lose weight but has anyone with PCOS really have success doing that? I didn't.
It turns out that I had PCOS. My hormone levels were tested and they matched the usual hormone levels of PCOS. Since I had not had a period yet the doctor wanted to put me on birth control so that I would have periods and it would hopefully help my migraines. After a few months on birth control I only had migraines on my period weeks. I ended up trying about 5 different birth controls to find one that stopped my migraines all together. What worked was having a pill that had a small amount of hormone in it rather then an empty blank pill. The best birth control for me was the Seasonique.
Back then it never really bothered me that I had PCOS. I don't even remember being told it would effect my chances of having children either...and back then I don't think it would have bothered me. What 14 year old girl is worried about whether she can have children or not? I was supposed to lose weight but has anyone with PCOS really have success doing that? I didn't.
Fast Forward to March 2010...
I was turning 19 and was getting married in 2 months. I was getting ready to stop taking birth control because my soon to be Husband and I were leaving it up to God when we started a family. I never thought it would be 3 years later and I still wasn't pregnant. Our first year of marriage was interesting. My hormones kept getting worse and worse until I wasn't attracted to my husband like I used to be. I had problems "down there" as well. Anytime we made love it was painful. I didn't realize until later it was because of the hormones....or lack of hormones in my case. After the year was over I decided I had had enough! My husband and I decided to make an appointment for the beginning of 2011 with a new OBGYN. We researched about where to go and a few of the ladies at church were going to Grace OBGYN in Asheville, NC. It was a Christian office and all the ladies were very happy with the doctors. As long as we live where we do I WON"T be changing OBGYNs anytime soon. I love the staff at Grace OBGYN!
My new doctor wanted to do an internal ultrasound to confirm that I had PCOS. It was amazing to see my ovaries for the first time. They were covered in cysts and my doctor said they were pretty impressive. Not really what you want to hear about your cyst covered ovaries. My doctor then decided it would be best to go back on birth control for 3 months and then try Clomid.
We did our 3 months of birth control and then went back to Grace OB. We tried Clomid 5 times over 5 months. I made an egg once but my ovaries never released it. Since we had no success my doctor tried Letrasol and that didn't work either. He told me that he had tried everything he could and was now referring me to an infertility specialist. His parting words were "I know its rough but just think....Next time you come back here you will be pregnant." I cling to that and I don't plan on returning until I'm pregnant.
I was referred to MAYHEC REI also in Asheville, NC. I love this new doctor just as much as my other one! He wanted to see if taking clomid for 2 days longer would help. (I had also started a program at our local YMCA. It is a diabetes prevention program and to date I have lost 22lbs.) We went back in 2 weeks to do an ultrasound to see if we had any eggs. We had 1! It was the most beautiful egg! My husband and I were both overjoyed to see that egg! I received a HCG shot so that my ovaries would actually release the egg this time. Now it was the waiting game. We had to wait 2 weeks and then if my period didn't start I could take a pregnancy test. Of course my periods always showed up an hour or so after the negative test. I also had morning sickness all day long those 2 weeks. I was sure I was pregnant because my mom also had early morning sickness. Well....my body goes into shock with all the hormones and it mimics the morning sickness a pregnant woman experiences.
After trying 3 more times without a pregnancy and having 2 or 3 eggs each time my doctor wanted to see if my fallopian tubes were blocked and check my husband's sperm. Everything was fine with both my husband and I. The procedure for me was very painful though! The next cycle of clomid my doctor wanted to do an Intrauterine Insemination (sperm is placed directly into the uterus). We tried and it failed. This last month we decided to give the IUI another chance. It also failed. Now I feel like we wasted 1,200 dollars. That is what it cost for both of the IUIs. I can't even begin to describe how painful infertility is but my friend really wants me to try. I will but that will be another post.
"That" Woman
I NEVER wanted to be this woman.
The woman who can't get pregnant. It was never my plan to have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I can remember the day I vowed I would never be "that" woman who couldn't get pregnant. I wasn't going to have to try to start a family. It was just going to happen when my Husband and I wanted it too. We were never going to have to try so hard like all those couples I knew...NEVER.
The woman who can't get pregnant. It was never my plan to have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I can remember the day I vowed I would never be "that" woman who couldn't get pregnant. I wasn't going to have to try to start a family. It was just going to happen when my Husband and I wanted it too. We were never going to have to try so hard like all those couples I knew...NEVER.
God had a different plan though. He wants me to be "that" woman. I was angry for a long time; at God, my body, and myself. To be honest...there are still days I'm angry and hurt. I thought I had done something to earn this horrible punishment. Why can't I do the one thing my body was made for?!?
I've come to realize that PCOS is not a punishment. It is a trial. A very long, painful, agonizing, and sad trial. A trial God knows I can overcome or He wouldn't have given it to me. I know this because:
-Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
- Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.
- 1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.
I will be honest and tell you, most days I don't think I am strong enough to keep fighting this battle. The days when my heart is so broken and I don't want to even attempt to pick up the pieces and put it back together for the hundredth time, these are the days I just want to give up and let the enemy win. When I am just about to give up God always shows me a tiny bit of strength I have left. I cling to that strength and take one step at a time. I WILL BE A MOTHER.
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