Yesterday link to this song was posted in a group I am in. I cried through the entire video. This is how I feel.....
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Grief and What It Means to Me
Grief means something different to everyone. Lately my grief has been that of a lost dream. My tears tell a story and sometimes I want to hide that story. Sometimes the tears come from out of nowhere and then everyone wants to know the story behind them.
I was talking today with my soon to be sister-in-law and Cody about our beliefs on abortion. That turned into a small conversation about my beautiful eggs. I believe that the moment a sperm and an egg combine it is a child. A wonderful, amazing child. Every cycle of fertility treatments we did, we had a mid cycle ultrasound to see if my ovaries had produced any eggs. Each time I had at least one egg and at the most five. I remember the very first month when we saw three beautiful eggs, all very large and perfect. When you see your eggs and know that they might become your child you start to hope and dream.
I know some people think I'm crazy but when my monthly shows up or I get the negative pregnancy test I mourn the loss of a child or children. There is no way of knowing if that perfect beautiful egg was fertilized and became a child but for whatever reason didn't survive. There is no way to know and I thought of that potential child daily.
At first my grief wasn't to bad. We knew it was going to take awhile to get pregnant. But we never thought it would take this long. As each month passed and I kept hoping and praying for a child I started to grieve more and more. Why was this happening to us. I did everything I possibly could to make sure I wouldn't harm my child if I was pregnant. How are you supposed to feel when each month your dream is crushed once more. I might never have been pregnant yet but there was always the possibility. A possibility that I hoped and prayed for. I believe in miracles and I'm still waiting for mine.
The past 3 months have been really rough for me. I was so sure that I would "start over" when it came to the emotions of doing fertility treatments month after month. Its not like that. Your emotions pick up right where they left off. The hope, the sadness, the depression, the anger, the hopelessness, and the grief. They don't go away. Now I'm grieving the time we are losing while we have to put our next step, IVF, on hold. When every fiber in your being wants and dreams of being a mother you grieve everyday that goes by and it is happening. I feel like I fail everyday I'm not actively pursuing my dream. Coming to terms with waiting and putting my dream on hold is hard, but I'll make it through.
I have an amazing husband who I love more than anything. This is my time to focus on him and be the best wife I can possibly be. We will strengthen our marriage even more throughout this time of waiting. We will grow closer to God and to each other and get one step closer to becoming the parents God knows we can and will be.
I used to be ashamed of my tears but not anymore. They tell a story of love. Love so intense for a child that has not yet been created. Love for a child that I long for, pray for, and think about everyday. Whether that child is mine by birth or by adoption.....My love is for that child. Whichever child God blesses Jon and I with. My heart will only grow with more love for that child. I also know that the love I feel is a only a fraction of what God feels for me and that is how I am comforted.
Here is a beautiful quote that I found and love:
I know many women who struggle with infertility and I grieve with them and for them. This is not a road I would wish and anyone and I hate that they are on it. But...all of us are thankful to know that we are not alone and there is someone who understands us perfectly...
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." - Washington Irvin
Friday, November 15, 2013
We did it...
We opened a fundraising account on a website called gofundme.
This is a link to our page. If you feel it in your heart to help us please do. Please share this with anyone you would like as well. We are hoping that in 1 and 1/2 years to 2 years we will reach our goal.
http://www.gofundme.com/5awd40
I know it seems crazy but I have seen success with these types of fundraising accounts. Maybe ours will be a success story one day too!
This is a link to our page. If you feel it in your heart to help us please do. Please share this with anyone you would like as well. We are hoping that in 1 and 1/2 years to 2 years we will reach our goal.
http://www.gofundme.com/5awd40
I know it seems crazy but I have seen success with these types of fundraising accounts. Maybe ours will be a success story one day too!
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Dreaming
You know when you have a dream and it seems so real....that's what happened to me just this morning. It was the best dream in my entire life and I'll tell you why. Even though I have had multiple "real" dreams throughout the years this is the very FIRST time I have ever had a baby in my dream. I have had a lot of pregnant dreams and birthing dreams but never one where I saw and held my baby. It always stopped before that point. Not this morning.....
It started out at my Nanny's (Grandma) house. My parents live with them as well as my little sister. Jon (my Husband) was at work and I was visiting for the day. It was a normal visit until I started having horrible stomach cramps. I refused to go to the doctor and decided I would go lay down in my sisters room and she was gonna keep me company. And for what ever reason there was an extra bed in her room. That's the one I laid on. Very soon after I told her to get my mom...something was wrong. My mom comes in just as a gush of water comes out! Ummmmm....WHAT THE HECK! It turns out Im giving birth and I didn't even know I was pregnant. We had had a few ultrasounds (doing fertility treatments) and the doctors never saw anything. After a few months we stopped the treatments to take a break. I didn't look pregnant and had none of the symptoms.
So my mom helps me as I labor and I give birth to to beautiful little boy. 8 pounds 15 ounces, 20 inches long. (I have no idea why my sister had a baby scale in her room). I name him Myles (I HAVE NO CLUE WHY!!!! This is my nephews name...we have a name picked out that's completely different). This little boy just amazes me. Since we aren't prepared mom and I give him a bath and then I feed him. He breastfeeds without a problem and I can't stop crying tears of joy. I know we need to get to the hospital and get checked out but we don't have any way of getting there. We don't have a car seat! So my mom calls my uncle who lives down the road and he goes to Walmart and buys one for us. He also got a thing of diapers, wipes, and some clothes for my little miracle. Once he gets to the house and we get into the car....I wake up.
I just laid in bed for a few minutes trying not to cry. The first time I have ever seen and held my baby in my dreams....it tore me up. I know we are on a break for the next year and a half and I'm okay with that now. But when I have a dream like this is makes me want to change our plans. I want more than anything to be a mother. Is it ever going to happen? I don't even care if it happens like in my dream! As long as I get to have a child.
It started out at my Nanny's (Grandma) house. My parents live with them as well as my little sister. Jon (my Husband) was at work and I was visiting for the day. It was a normal visit until I started having horrible stomach cramps. I refused to go to the doctor and decided I would go lay down in my sisters room and she was gonna keep me company. And for what ever reason there was an extra bed in her room. That's the one I laid on. Very soon after I told her to get my mom...something was wrong. My mom comes in just as a gush of water comes out! Ummmmm....WHAT THE HECK! It turns out Im giving birth and I didn't even know I was pregnant. We had had a few ultrasounds (doing fertility treatments) and the doctors never saw anything. After a few months we stopped the treatments to take a break. I didn't look pregnant and had none of the symptoms.
So my mom helps me as I labor and I give birth to to beautiful little boy. 8 pounds 15 ounces, 20 inches long. (I have no idea why my sister had a baby scale in her room). I name him Myles (I HAVE NO CLUE WHY!!!! This is my nephews name...we have a name picked out that's completely different). This little boy just amazes me. Since we aren't prepared mom and I give him a bath and then I feed him. He breastfeeds without a problem and I can't stop crying tears of joy. I know we need to get to the hospital and get checked out but we don't have any way of getting there. We don't have a car seat! So my mom calls my uncle who lives down the road and he goes to Walmart and buys one for us. He also got a thing of diapers, wipes, and some clothes for my little miracle. Once he gets to the house and we get into the car....I wake up.
I just laid in bed for a few minutes trying not to cry. The first time I have ever seen and held my baby in my dreams....it tore me up. I know we are on a break for the next year and a half and I'm okay with that now. But when I have a dream like this is makes me want to change our plans. I want more than anything to be a mother. Is it ever going to happen? I don't even care if it happens like in my dream! As long as I get to have a child.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
A tattoo and a big decision....
Jon and I had a big decision to make the other day. It was very hard for me to agree with my husband but we decided to do the smarter thing and buy a house before we move ahead with IVF. So when we get our taxes back we will be using that for our closing costs towards a house. we have been wanting to buy one but we wanted to have a child as well. We talked about it and prayed about it. We finally made a decision and I feel at peace about it even though my heart is breaking. It should stop breaking eventually...I hope! So now I'm looking at houses. We will do IVF the following year or the year after that. And by then I will be done with school and will be able to focus on IVF.
Over the next year or two I am going to focus on my marriage and enjoy being married to the greatest man I know! We are planning a few adventures to do just the two of us! Today I'm feeling much better and feel at peace about our decisions. If we do get a miracle and get pregnant and have a baby I will be ecstatic but I'm not holding my breath and I'm not going to think about it. If you continue to pray for Jon and I please pray for peace and understanding about our situation. Thank you all!
Catch Up
Well....Its been awhile since my last post. I didn't mean to take this long for my next post but time just slipped by. So I will catch everyone up on what has happened since February.
I started working at Baxters again and was full time. I was there for awhile and almost was hired on permanent but I was hating working there. So My husband and I talked and I quit once I found a new job. I started working at Lowes in the building supply area and worked there for a couple of weeks as a temporary seasonal associate. I was hired on permanently and switched to the unloader position. I loved it!! The three other people I worked with were great and we had a good time. The job was very physically demanding and it felt good to work that hard.
During this time I had to go back onto birthcontrol to regulate my hormones and my cycle. I wasn't going to mess up my body like I did last time. Since we were no where close to having the money needed for IVF we decided we would wait until taxes came back to move forward with that. I also decided to go back to school. While getting things ready for school my aunt told me about a surgery once of her friends had. Ovarian Drilling. I looked it up and decided to ask my doctor about it. He said we could try it and it would help. We decided to do it!!
So at the end of July and three weeks before school started I had the surgery. My doctor drilled about 20 holes into each of my ovaries. and He also did another HSG...a test to see if my Fallopian tubes were clear or blocked. They were still very clear. No problems there. My husband and mom were with me and they rock! My husband took four days off of work and then had the weekend as well to stay with me while I recovered. It was pretty painful for the first week but then I felt better pretty quick. We were given the okay to start fertility treatments again with the next period. :-)
Since I had the surgery and my ovaries are supposed to respond better to the medication and in general work better. We decided to try clomid again for another 6 cycles to see if we got pregnant this time. We were able to do a smaller dose this time too! 150 mg for 5 days instead of 7! I responded well and had multiple eggs each time. But we only did 3 cycles....I couldn't handle anymore and each time a cycle ended someone announced their pregnancy on the day of my big fat negative or the day after when my period would start a day late. Each time....3 times in a row....another person was pregnant and I wasn't. I lost it. I couldn't handle it. I had thought after our previous break I would start over with the stress, the depression, and the horrible feelings of not getting pregnant...NO! I picked up right where I left off. I just couldn't handle it anymore.
We talked to my doctor and since we had already tried Femara the next step was IVF or injectables. Well we were thinking injectables would be cheaper and might work so we asked about doing that. HAHAHAHA....unless we had about 2,000 dollars for each cycle that was not going to happen either. Upon hearing that news I lost it again. (I've been losing it more and more lately) I cried for hours, my eyelids were swollen, and I had a horrible migraine the next day. I even cried the next day too. I don't want to put my one and only dream on hold!
All this and yes...I went back to school and I am still in school! Needless to stay there have been days when I haven't gone because I keep losing it but my teachers are very understanding and I have made a great group of friends who are very supportive. I'm in a 2 year program for Hospitality Management and when I am finished I would like to do Event planning. I love planning weddings, showers, birthday parties, and parties in general! Even fundraisers and events of that nature are fun to plan. I love school so far and I am enjoying being back in it. I had to stop doing the "What If" planning and just plan for the here and now.
Now that we are all caught up I will talk about our decision on what to do when taxes come back in my next post. Buy a house or do IVF????
I started working at Baxters again and was full time. I was there for awhile and almost was hired on permanent but I was hating working there. So My husband and I talked and I quit once I found a new job. I started working at Lowes in the building supply area and worked there for a couple of weeks as a temporary seasonal associate. I was hired on permanently and switched to the unloader position. I loved it!! The three other people I worked with were great and we had a good time. The job was very physically demanding and it felt good to work that hard.
During this time I had to go back onto birthcontrol to regulate my hormones and my cycle. I wasn't going to mess up my body like I did last time. Since we were no where close to having the money needed for IVF we decided we would wait until taxes came back to move forward with that. I also decided to go back to school. While getting things ready for school my aunt told me about a surgery once of her friends had. Ovarian Drilling. I looked it up and decided to ask my doctor about it. He said we could try it and it would help. We decided to do it!!
So at the end of July and three weeks before school started I had the surgery. My doctor drilled about 20 holes into each of my ovaries. and He also did another HSG...a test to see if my Fallopian tubes were clear or blocked. They were still very clear. No problems there. My husband and mom were with me and they rock! My husband took four days off of work and then had the weekend as well to stay with me while I recovered. It was pretty painful for the first week but then I felt better pretty quick. We were given the okay to start fertility treatments again with the next period. :-)
Since I had the surgery and my ovaries are supposed to respond better to the medication and in general work better. We decided to try clomid again for another 6 cycles to see if we got pregnant this time. We were able to do a smaller dose this time too! 150 mg for 5 days instead of 7! I responded well and had multiple eggs each time. But we only did 3 cycles....I couldn't handle anymore and each time a cycle ended someone announced their pregnancy on the day of my big fat negative or the day after when my period would start a day late. Each time....3 times in a row....another person was pregnant and I wasn't. I lost it. I couldn't handle it. I had thought after our previous break I would start over with the stress, the depression, and the horrible feelings of not getting pregnant...NO! I picked up right where I left off. I just couldn't handle it anymore.
We talked to my doctor and since we had already tried Femara the next step was IVF or injectables. Well we were thinking injectables would be cheaper and might work so we asked about doing that. HAHAHAHA....unless we had about 2,000 dollars for each cycle that was not going to happen either. Upon hearing that news I lost it again. (I've been losing it more and more lately) I cried for hours, my eyelids were swollen, and I had a horrible migraine the next day. I even cried the next day too. I don't want to put my one and only dream on hold!
All this and yes...I went back to school and I am still in school! Needless to stay there have been days when I haven't gone because I keep losing it but my teachers are very understanding and I have made a great group of friends who are very supportive. I'm in a 2 year program for Hospitality Management and when I am finished I would like to do Event planning. I love planning weddings, showers, birthday parties, and parties in general! Even fundraisers and events of that nature are fun to plan. I love school so far and I am enjoying being back in it. I had to stop doing the "What If" planning and just plan for the here and now.
Now that we are all caught up I will talk about our decision on what to do when taxes come back in my next post. Buy a house or do IVF????
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)