Pain

       No matter how hard you try.  No matter how hard you believe.  No matter how hard you pray.  No matter how hard you try to stay positive.  All it takes is that one moment to destroy everything you just went through.
       That one moment rips your heart apart into a million pieces and you're stuck having to put it back together, piece by piece.  Every time it happens I lose another piece of my heart and I don't know if I will ever get those pieces back. 
       Where do you start when all you want to do is give up? I get so mad at God each time I'm not pregnant.  I want to yell at Him and sometimes I do.  I cry where no one can see me.  In the car when I'm by myself, in the shower, when I get home from work and no one else is home, and everywhere else I can just let it out so no one sees me losing it. I feel like I have to show everyone around me that I'm strong. If they see me crying they just try to give advice that I've already heard a million times and I really don't care to hear it again.

       The other day one of my friends told me about one of her friends who was pregnant.   Of course this woman wasn't trying to get pregnant and BAM! She is. I was upset and said some not so nice things and my friend got upset with me because of it. You think my friend would understand why I don't want to hear about it.  Afterwards I apologized for my hurtful words and told my friend why it happened. Now she understands what its like for me a little better then she did. 

       We have been trying to conceive for almost 3 years now. Of course I'm jealous of other women.  It makes me angry when I see all these teenagers walking around pregnant. Why do they get to have a baby and I can't?!?  I get angry when I see moms with their kids and their kids look like crap, are taken care of, and completely filthy. I could take so much better care of the kids then they could. And why does God allow some of the worst women to become mothers over and over again??? Why are they fertile and not me?

       I cry for days when I find out someone else is pregnant and its not me.  After awhile I can be happy for them but you have to give me time.  Sometimes I don't ever get to the point of being happy for them so I avoid them as best as I can. 

       I'm still afraid I will never have my own children but I try my best to believe I will. I take one baby step at a time too. Being honest with God is what helps.

       Being honest with God hurts but I tell Him what I feel.  Sometimes I cry out to Him.  Sometimes I yell at Him and sometimes I just shake my fists at Him. Once I calm down I always turn the radio on and most times a song comes on the radio and I know without a doubt it was played just for me and I'm a little less mad at God. I know He has a plan, that it's perfect, and I will one day understand it but in the here and now....I'm lost, heartbroken, and afraid.  I have an amazing support system consisting on family and friends. Without them I don't know where I'd be or how I'd be doing.  My husband is so loving and always comforting me. He wants children just as bad as I do.  He works hard so that I can concentrate on fertility treatments and such.  I would be lost without him.  My mom is amazing too! If you are going through infertility you need a good support system.

I hope this helps any of you who want to try and understand better.  If you have any questions please ask!