Drowning In My Own Tears

       Yesterday I was drowning in my own tears. We had a doctors appointment to talk about starting the In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) process. I was disappointed with the news about how much it was going to cost. We need $17,882 dollars for the procedure. $7662 dollars is needed up front and the rest is eligible for financing. I don't know of anyone who has 7 grand laying around.  I cried and cried yesterday. What were we going to do?? Obviously we aren't doing any treatments right now and we are going to have to wait months....maybe a year to start the IVF process. I don't want to put my dream of becoming a mother on hold!! I was so mad at God yesterday I couldn't even pray.  I asked some close friends to pray for me because I couldn't pray at the time. depending on how much of the scholarship money we get for the IVF meds our up front cost can go down. I'm praying we are awarded with a good size scholarship.  We have to wait until after we do our taxes before we can apply but once they are done I will be applying.  Once that is done we will know a more definite amount.  I though about doing a fundraiser or two but will people really want to help ME become pregnant?!? I'm just a 21 years old who has her whole life ahead of her (what I get told a lot), you have plenty of time to have kids....blah blah blah.  They don't know me.  Why would they want to help. All this aside...

       I had to come to a painful realization yesterday.  It makes me cry now and causes my heart so much pain to think about.  It hurt so much to actually say the words out loud to my Husband too.  If I had to choose between having children and my husband...I would choose my Husband.  I could not live without Him. The only things I have ever wanted in this life were a loving husband and lots of children...choosing between my 2 biggest dreams....its so painful.  I told him if we ever had to make that decision I was going to be upset, sad, hurt, angry, and all the other emotions that go along with those. But I would NEVER regret it. I have him and I'm not going to lose him to infertility.  I am a very lucky woman to have a man like him love me. I know he wants children as much as I do or we wouldn't be going through infertility treatments.  He is always so supportive of me during these tiring times.  He works so hard so I can one day (hopefully) stay home and raise our children.  He has given up so much for me and that just makes me love him more.  His love for me is never ending...and trust me I've said some not so nice things to him out of anger and pain. He always forgives me and holds me close afterwards.  Not many men could or would do that.  I think I apologize to him at least 15 times a day for not being able to get pregnant yet. And he always tells its not my fault. Well...I feel like it is.

       Over the last six months we have completed 6 clomid cycles.  I haven't had Motrin, tuna, and my hair highlighted in 6 months!! 6 months! I have done everything I could not to harm my potential child. Some days I thought I was going crazy because of all the stuff I didn't want to do because I wanted to become pregnant so bad. Then every month my period would show up AFTER I took the pregnancy test the morning I was allowed to test if my period hadn't showed up yet.  You would think I would wait a bit longer in the morning to do the test but no....I tortured myself thinking maybe this was our month.  I have learned not to let my hopes get away from me and get to high.  Its better if you don't.  But you can't keep them all the way down either. Your hopes are always trying to pop up and you're always trying to push them down.  It is a never ending battle that I have always lost. 

       Every time I see that negative test my heart is shattered.  I start thinking about the last two weeks and rack my brain to see what I might have done to cause it.  Did I lift something to heavy, did I eat something wrong, did I do to much physical activity, did I not get enough sleep....the list goes on. Everything I did I second guess.  When I can't find an answer with those questions I start thinking about every little thing my body did or didn't do. After that I just blame myself. I must have done something wrong.  Its my body so its my fault right? WRONG!!! I know I feel like its my fault but its not. I have to tell myself this all the time and there are still many, many times I don't believe it.  I don't think  I will ever end up not blaming myself but I will try.

       Today I am feeling much better.  I'm still mad but now I'm praying about it! I hate to say it and it makes me cringe but I think I'm going to enjoy this "little" break.  I'm not going to be sick for two weeks every month.  I'm not going to have those hot flashes from hell either! I'm going to be able to enjoy life again and have fun. I know it will help my marriage too. we can just love each other and be content with that for a while. I do know there will be days when I get upset but its to be expected.  I know I will cry when I find out other woman are pregnant and I'll cry when I get home from all the baby showers.  But I will NOT give up on my dream yet. I am not giving up even though it has to be put on hold.  I feel like I am...but I'M NOT!  I started a new devotional/bible study today. It's called following God with all of your heart. The first lesson was just what I needed and I know God had that planned out. His plan is perfect. His timing is perfect.  I'm just working towards His timing. Please continue to pray for me if you will.  I greatly appreciate all the prayers.

P.S - If some of you will, email me questions about infertility, pcos, my feelings, or anything like that because I really want to do a question and answer post here on my blog.  I have a few questions but I want to "hear"(read) your input too because I'm sure you will ask some questions I have not thought of. :-)