Drowning In My Own Tears

       Yesterday I was drowning in my own tears. We had a doctors appointment to talk about starting the In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) process. I was disappointed with the news about how much it was going to cost. We need $17,882 dollars for the procedure. $7662 dollars is needed up front and the rest is eligible for financing. I don't know of anyone who has 7 grand laying around.  I cried and cried yesterday. What were we going to do?? Obviously we aren't doing any treatments right now and we are going to have to wait months....maybe a year to start the IVF process. I don't want to put my dream of becoming a mother on hold!! I was so mad at God yesterday I couldn't even pray.  I asked some close friends to pray for me because I couldn't pray at the time. depending on how much of the scholarship money we get for the IVF meds our up front cost can go down. I'm praying we are awarded with a good size scholarship.  We have to wait until after we do our taxes before we can apply but once they are done I will be applying.  Once that is done we will know a more definite amount.  I though about doing a fundraiser or two but will people really want to help ME become pregnant?!? I'm just a 21 years old who has her whole life ahead of her (what I get told a lot), you have plenty of time to have kids....blah blah blah.  They don't know me.  Why would they want to help. All this aside...

       I had to come to a painful realization yesterday.  It makes me cry now and causes my heart so much pain to think about.  It hurt so much to actually say the words out loud to my Husband too.  If I had to choose between having children and my husband...I would choose my Husband.  I could not live without Him. The only things I have ever wanted in this life were a loving husband and lots of children...choosing between my 2 biggest dreams....its so painful.  I told him if we ever had to make that decision I was going to be upset, sad, hurt, angry, and all the other emotions that go along with those. But I would NEVER regret it. I have him and I'm not going to lose him to infertility.  I am a very lucky woman to have a man like him love me. I know he wants children as much as I do or we wouldn't be going through infertility treatments.  He is always so supportive of me during these tiring times.  He works so hard so I can one day (hopefully) stay home and raise our children.  He has given up so much for me and that just makes me love him more.  His love for me is never ending...and trust me I've said some not so nice things to him out of anger and pain. He always forgives me and holds me close afterwards.  Not many men could or would do that.  I think I apologize to him at least 15 times a day for not being able to get pregnant yet. And he always tells its not my fault. Well...I feel like it is.

       Over the last six months we have completed 6 clomid cycles.  I haven't had Motrin, tuna, and my hair highlighted in 6 months!! 6 months! I have done everything I could not to harm my potential child. Some days I thought I was going crazy because of all the stuff I didn't want to do because I wanted to become pregnant so bad. Then every month my period would show up AFTER I took the pregnancy test the morning I was allowed to test if my period hadn't showed up yet.  You would think I would wait a bit longer in the morning to do the test but no....I tortured myself thinking maybe this was our month.  I have learned not to let my hopes get away from me and get to high.  Its better if you don't.  But you can't keep them all the way down either. Your hopes are always trying to pop up and you're always trying to push them down.  It is a never ending battle that I have always lost. 

       Every time I see that negative test my heart is shattered.  I start thinking about the last two weeks and rack my brain to see what I might have done to cause it.  Did I lift something to heavy, did I eat something wrong, did I do to much physical activity, did I not get enough sleep....the list goes on. Everything I did I second guess.  When I can't find an answer with those questions I start thinking about every little thing my body did or didn't do. After that I just blame myself. I must have done something wrong.  Its my body so its my fault right? WRONG!!! I know I feel like its my fault but its not. I have to tell myself this all the time and there are still many, many times I don't believe it.  I don't think  I will ever end up not blaming myself but I will try.

       Today I am feeling much better.  I'm still mad but now I'm praying about it! I hate to say it and it makes me cringe but I think I'm going to enjoy this "little" break.  I'm not going to be sick for two weeks every month.  I'm not going to have those hot flashes from hell either! I'm going to be able to enjoy life again and have fun. I know it will help my marriage too. we can just love each other and be content with that for a while. I do know there will be days when I get upset but its to be expected.  I know I will cry when I find out other woman are pregnant and I'll cry when I get home from all the baby showers.  But I will NOT give up on my dream yet. I am not giving up even though it has to be put on hold.  I feel like I am...but I'M NOT!  I started a new devotional/bible study today. It's called following God with all of your heart. The first lesson was just what I needed and I know God had that planned out. His plan is perfect. His timing is perfect.  I'm just working towards His timing. Please continue to pray for me if you will.  I greatly appreciate all the prayers.

P.S - If some of you will, email me questions about infertility, pcos, my feelings, or anything like that because I really want to do a question and answer post here on my blog.  I have a few questions but I want to "hear"(read) your input too because I'm sure you will ask some questions I have not thought of. :-)

Pictures of Sayings

I often ask this question.

Most woman with PCOS have a "string of pearls on the outer edge of their ovaries.

Great!

 

I've been told this. I wish I had this comeback at the time.

 









Nope...Never....Of course.

 

 

PLEASE!!!!

 

 

Its true.

 





Sometimes its true....

 

Pain

       No matter how hard you try.  No matter how hard you believe.  No matter how hard you pray.  No matter how hard you try to stay positive.  All it takes is that one moment to destroy everything you just went through.
       That one moment rips your heart apart into a million pieces and you're stuck having to put it back together, piece by piece.  Every time it happens I lose another piece of my heart and I don't know if I will ever get those pieces back. 
       Where do you start when all you want to do is give up? I get so mad at God each time I'm not pregnant.  I want to yell at Him and sometimes I do.  I cry where no one can see me.  In the car when I'm by myself, in the shower, when I get home from work and no one else is home, and everywhere else I can just let it out so no one sees me losing it. I feel like I have to show everyone around me that I'm strong. If they see me crying they just try to give advice that I've already heard a million times and I really don't care to hear it again.

       The other day one of my friends told me about one of her friends who was pregnant.   Of course this woman wasn't trying to get pregnant and BAM! She is. I was upset and said some not so nice things and my friend got upset with me because of it. You think my friend would understand why I don't want to hear about it.  Afterwards I apologized for my hurtful words and told my friend why it happened. Now she understands what its like for me a little better then she did. 

       We have been trying to conceive for almost 3 years now. Of course I'm jealous of other women.  It makes me angry when I see all these teenagers walking around pregnant. Why do they get to have a baby and I can't?!?  I get angry when I see moms with their kids and their kids look like crap, are taken care of, and completely filthy. I could take so much better care of the kids then they could. And why does God allow some of the worst women to become mothers over and over again??? Why are they fertile and not me?

       I cry for days when I find out someone else is pregnant and its not me.  After awhile I can be happy for them but you have to give me time.  Sometimes I don't ever get to the point of being happy for them so I avoid them as best as I can. 

       I'm still afraid I will never have my own children but I try my best to believe I will. I take one baby step at a time too. Being honest with God is what helps.

       Being honest with God hurts but I tell Him what I feel.  Sometimes I cry out to Him.  Sometimes I yell at Him and sometimes I just shake my fists at Him. Once I calm down I always turn the radio on and most times a song comes on the radio and I know without a doubt it was played just for me and I'm a little less mad at God. I know He has a plan, that it's perfect, and I will one day understand it but in the here and now....I'm lost, heartbroken, and afraid.  I have an amazing support system consisting on family and friends. Without them I don't know where I'd be or how I'd be doing.  My husband is so loving and always comforting me. He wants children just as bad as I do.  He works hard so that I can concentrate on fertility treatments and such.  I would be lost without him.  My mom is amazing too! If you are going through infertility you need a good support system.

I hope this helps any of you who want to try and understand better.  If you have any questions please ask!

How It All Came About

       I was a "normal" 14 year old girl.  I enjoyed school and I loved to read. (Still do!)  At some point I started having migraines all the time. They would come and go but never really go away. My mom took me to the pediatrician and he suggested a neurologist.  We had a few appointments with the neurologist but they didn't help.  At some point someone mentioned to mom about taking me to the OBGYN. 
  
       It turns out that I had PCOS.  My hormone levels were tested and they matched  the usual hormone levels of PCOS. Since I had not had a period yet the doctor wanted to put me on birth control so that I would have periods and it would hopefully help my migraines.  After a few months on birth control I only had migraines on my period weeks.  I ended up trying about 5 different birth controls to find one that stopped my migraines all together. What worked was having a pill that had a small amount of hormone in it rather then an empty blank pill. The best birth control for me was the Seasonique.

       Back then it never really bothered me that I had PCOS. I don't even remember being told it would effect my chances of having children either...and back then I don't think it would have bothered me.  What 14 year old girl is worried about whether she can have children or not?  I was supposed to lose weight but has anyone with PCOS really have success doing that? I didn't. 

    Fast Forward to March 2010...

 

       I was turning 19 and was getting married in 2 months. I was getting ready to stop taking birth control because my soon to be Husband and I were leaving it up to God when we started a family. I never thought it would be 3 years later and I still wasn't pregnant.  Our first year of marriage was interesting. My hormones kept getting worse and worse until I wasn't attracted to my husband like I used to be. I had problems "down there" as well. Anytime we made love it was painful. I didn't realize until later it was because of the hormones....or lack of hormones in my case. After the year was over I decided I had had enough! My husband and I decided to make an appointment for the beginning of 2011 with a new OBGYN.  We researched about where to go and a few of the ladies at church were going to Grace OBGYN in Asheville, NC. It was a Christian office and all the ladies were very happy with the doctors.  As long as we live where we do I WON"T be changing OBGYNs anytime soon. I love the staff at Grace OBGYN!

 

       My new doctor wanted to do an internal ultrasound to confirm that I had PCOS.  It was amazing to see my ovaries for the first time.  They were covered in cysts and my doctor said they were pretty impressive. Not really what you want to hear about your cyst covered ovaries. My doctor then decided it would be best to go back on birth control for 3 months and then try Clomid.

 

We did our 3 months of birth control and then went back to Grace OB.  We tried Clomid 5 times over 5 months. I made an egg once but my ovaries never released it. Since we had no success my doctor tried Letrasol and that didn't work either. He told me that he had tried everything he could and was now referring me to an infertility specialist.  His parting words were "I know its rough but just think....Next time you come back here you will be pregnant." I cling to that and I don't plan on returning until I'm pregnant.  

 

 

       I was referred to MAYHEC REI also in Asheville, NC.  I love this new doctor just as much as my other one! He wanted to see if taking clomid for 2 days longer would help.  (I had also started a program at our local YMCA. It is a diabetes prevention program and to date I have lost 22lbs.) We went back in 2 weeks to do an ultrasound to see if we had any eggs. We had 1! It was the most beautiful egg! My husband and I were both overjoyed to see that egg! I received a HCG shot so that my ovaries would actually release the egg this time. Now it was the waiting game. We had to wait 2 weeks and then if my period didn't start I could take a pregnancy test. Of course my periods always showed up an hour or so after the negative test. I also had morning sickness all day long those 2 weeks.  I was sure I was pregnant because my mom also had early morning sickness. Well....my body goes into shock with all the hormones and it mimics the morning sickness a pregnant woman experiences.

 

       After trying  3 more times without a pregnancy and having 2 or 3 eggs each time my doctor wanted to see if my fallopian tubes were blocked and check my husband's sperm.  Everything was fine with both my husband and I. The procedure for me was very painful though! The next cycle of clomid my doctor wanted to do an Intrauterine Insemination (sperm is placed directly into the uterus). We tried and it failed.  This last month we decided to give the IUI another chance. It also failed. Now I feel like we wasted 1,200 dollars. That is what it cost for both of the IUIs.  I can't even begin to describe how painful infertility is but my friend really wants me to try. I will but that will be another post.

"That" Woman

 I NEVER wanted to be this woman.
The woman who can't get pregnant. It was never my plan to have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I can remember the day I vowed I would never be "that" woman who couldn't get pregnant. I wasn't going to have to try to start a family. It was just going to happen when my Husband and I wanted it too. We were never going to have to try so hard like all those couples I knew...NEVER.

       God had a different plan though. He wants me to be "that" woman. I was angry for a long time; at God, my body, and myself. To be honest...there are still days I'm angry and hurt.  I thought I had done something to earn this horrible punishment.  Why can't I do the one thing my body was made for?!? 

 

 

       I've come to realize that PCOS is not a punishment. It is a trial. A very long, painful, agonizing, and sad trial.  A trial God knows I can overcome or He wouldn't have given it to me. I know this because:

 

-Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

 

- Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

 

- 1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

 

 

       I will be honest and tell you, most days I don't think I am strong enough to keep fighting this battle. The days when my heart is so broken and I don't want to even attempt to pick up the pieces and put it back together for the hundredth time, these are the days I just want to give up and let the enemy win. When I am just about to give up God always shows me a tiny bit of strength I have left. I cling to that strength and take one step at a time. I WILL BE A MOTHER.