Grief means something different to everyone. Lately my grief has been that of a lost dream. My tears tell a story and sometimes I want to hide that story. Sometimes the tears come from out of nowhere and then everyone wants to know the story behind them.
I was talking today with my soon to be sister-in-law and Cody about our beliefs on abortion. That turned into a small conversation about my beautiful eggs. I believe that the moment a sperm and an egg combine it is a child. A wonderful, amazing child. Every cycle of fertility treatments we did, we had a mid cycle ultrasound to see if my ovaries had produced any eggs. Each time I had at least one egg and at the most five. I remember the very first month when we saw three beautiful eggs, all very large and perfect. When you see your eggs and know that they might become your child you start to hope and dream.
I know some people think I'm crazy but when my monthly shows up or I get the negative pregnancy test I mourn the loss of a child or children. There is no way of knowing if that perfect beautiful egg was fertilized and became a child but for whatever reason didn't survive. There is no way to know and I thought of that potential child daily.
At first my grief wasn't to bad. We knew it was going to take awhile to get pregnant. But we never thought it would take this long. As each month passed and I kept hoping and praying for a child I started to grieve more and more. Why was this happening to us. I did everything I possibly could to make sure I wouldn't harm my child if I was pregnant. How are you supposed to feel when each month your dream is crushed once more. I might never have been pregnant yet but there was always the possibility. A possibility that I hoped and prayed for. I believe in miracles and I'm still waiting for mine.
The past 3 months have been really rough for me. I was so sure that I would "start over" when it came to the emotions of doing fertility treatments month after month. Its not like that. Your emotions pick up right where they left off. The hope, the sadness, the depression, the anger, the hopelessness, and the grief. They don't go away. Now I'm grieving the time we are losing while we have to put our next step, IVF, on hold. When every fiber in your being wants and dreams of being a mother you grieve everyday that goes by and it is happening. I feel like I fail everyday I'm not actively pursuing my dream. Coming to terms with waiting and putting my dream on hold is hard, but I'll make it through.
I have an amazing husband who I love more than anything. This is my time to focus on him and be the best wife I can possibly be. We will strengthen our marriage even more throughout this time of waiting. We will grow closer to God and to each other and get one step closer to becoming the parents God knows we can and will be.
I used to be ashamed of my tears but not anymore. They tell a story of love. Love so intense for a child that has not yet been created. Love for a child that I long for, pray for, and think about everyday. Whether that child is mine by birth or by adoption.....My love is for that child. Whichever child God blesses Jon and I with. My heart will only grow with more love for that child. I also know that the love I feel is a only a fraction of what God feels for me and that is how I am comforted.
Here is a beautiful quote that I found and love:
I know many women who struggle with infertility and I grieve with them and for them. This is not a road I would wish and anyone and I hate that they are on it. But...all of us are thankful to know that we are not alone and there is someone who understands us perfectly...
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." - Washington Irvin
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